The Power Struggle is Real
Let's be real: I like to be in charge. My uncle Randy even refers to me as "the boss". I like to make plans & stick to them. I like to give people my ideas & I want them to use them. I tend to think I know more than I actually do & try to help others by sharing my opinions. (I'm sure this is all shocking to my family & close friends.) And while I am constantly trying to learn how to avoid these, (which are not my best personality traits) they are built into who I am & how I'm wired.
I'm sure you can imagine - especially parents & nannys - that having five kids between the ages of 3-7 doesn't leave much room for controlling anyone. When I was a babysitter, I was pretty good at getting kids to listen to me. I found it easy to control situations and have most things end in everyone doing things my way. I only had the kids for a couple hours at a time, so I thought this parenting thing would be similar.
IT IS NOT SIMILAR. My kids may be unique, but I doubt it. They will not be controlled. They will not allow things to go my way. Very rarely do my plans end up becoming a reality.
Saturday morning we were at my mom's house - breakfast at Grandma's with the other cousins is something we look forward to. After hours of eating and playing, the boy cousins were wrestling and things got too rough. In order to help my oldest calm down and get regulated, I got out his workbooks that he chose to bring as a "safe" (calming) activity. He would have to complete 10 pages in order to resume playing with his cousins. About a page or so into this activity, he snapped. He became aggressive, angry & verbally attacked me. Because our kids often have a rough time out & about, Ben & I drove two cars. Ben offered to take him home. This quickly became a huge battle and there was more aggression & resistance.
Soon after they pulled out of the driveway, one of my mom's friends came over to assemble a new set of remote control machines they wanted to pass on to the kids. It was a cool set of bulldozers, dump trucks & construction stuff. I immediately called Ben and had him turn the car around. My mom had brought this set into her home with my 7 year old in mind. She wanted him to play with it.
As soon as Ben got back to her house, I was waiting for them. I unbuckled my oldest son & lead him upstairs. I allowed him to watch his sister and cousin play with the new set. I stood next to him & held his hand. There were lots of quiet tears as he stood watching them - he realized what surprise his Grandma had for him. After a hug, I asked him if he'd like to try to do his workbook pages. He agreed & we completed all 10 pages without a fight. We were able to laugh, have fun & do it together. After he was done, Ben & Jacob spent quite a while trying out the new construction set.
I didn't need to fight my son. Controlling him wasn't going to help him. Taking him home was a fine consequence, but not the best. Showing him his options and letting him make his own decisions turned a fight into a teachable moment. I didn't want him to do his workbook so he could finish them. I wanted him to do them so he was regulated enough to play well with his cousins. I couldn't explain to him how it would make him feel.
Being a mom to kids whose regulation get thrown off so easily (as a result of trauma) is a challenge. I am so grateful to books like Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control & Love and Logic that have helped us learn to love through brokenness. I can't force my son to nap or my daughter to stop screaming. I need to be a "hybrid between Mister Rodgers and General Patton - someone holding strong limits and boundaries (General Patton) but presenting them with softness and compassion (Mister Rodgers)". As I read this phrase (excerpt from Help for Billy) today, I realized I need to keep loving my kids, but stop trying to control them. I need to give myself a break the many times I fail, but keep getting back up and trying to set limits again.
I'm sure you can imagine - especially parents & nannys - that having five kids between the ages of 3-7 doesn't leave much room for controlling anyone. When I was a babysitter, I was pretty good at getting kids to listen to me. I found it easy to control situations and have most things end in everyone doing things my way. I only had the kids for a couple hours at a time, so I thought this parenting thing would be similar.
IT IS NOT SIMILAR. My kids may be unique, but I doubt it. They will not be controlled. They will not allow things to go my way. Very rarely do my plans end up becoming a reality.
Saturday morning we were at my mom's house - breakfast at Grandma's with the other cousins is something we look forward to. After hours of eating and playing, the boy cousins were wrestling and things got too rough. In order to help my oldest calm down and get regulated, I got out his workbooks that he chose to bring as a "safe" (calming) activity. He would have to complete 10 pages in order to resume playing with his cousins. About a page or so into this activity, he snapped. He became aggressive, angry & verbally attacked me. Because our kids often have a rough time out & about, Ben & I drove two cars. Ben offered to take him home. This quickly became a huge battle and there was more aggression & resistance.
Soon after they pulled out of the driveway, one of my mom's friends came over to assemble a new set of remote control machines they wanted to pass on to the kids. It was a cool set of bulldozers, dump trucks & construction stuff. I immediately called Ben and had him turn the car around. My mom had brought this set into her home with my 7 year old in mind. She wanted him to play with it.
As soon as Ben got back to her house, I was waiting for them. I unbuckled my oldest son & lead him upstairs. I allowed him to watch his sister and cousin play with the new set. I stood next to him & held his hand. There were lots of quiet tears as he stood watching them - he realized what surprise his Grandma had for him. After a hug, I asked him if he'd like to try to do his workbook pages. He agreed & we completed all 10 pages without a fight. We were able to laugh, have fun & do it together. After he was done, Ben & Jacob spent quite a while trying out the new construction set.
I didn't need to fight my son. Controlling him wasn't going to help him. Taking him home was a fine consequence, but not the best. Showing him his options and letting him make his own decisions turned a fight into a teachable moment. I didn't want him to do his workbook so he could finish them. I wanted him to do them so he was regulated enough to play well with his cousins. I couldn't explain to him how it would make him feel.
Being a mom to kids whose regulation get thrown off so easily (as a result of trauma) is a challenge. I am so grateful to books like Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control & Love and Logic that have helped us learn to love through brokenness. I can't force my son to nap or my daughter to stop screaming. I need to be a "hybrid between Mister Rodgers and General Patton - someone holding strong limits and boundaries (General Patton) but presenting them with softness and compassion (Mister Rodgers)". As I read this phrase (excerpt from Help for Billy) today, I realized I need to keep loving my kids, but stop trying to control them. I need to give myself a break the many times I fail, but keep getting back up and trying to set limits again.
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