I'm BAAAACK!

Hey guys. It's been a while; a little over four years since I've used this platform to share our journey. I have a few excuses  reasons: 

1. I forgot about it. 

Shout out to all the people out there who do much for others and forget about things they love to do along the way. I forgot how much joy I've received from writing. It's been too long - and I'm sorry to disappear on you. Don't worry; Stop panicking; I'm back. 

2. I've been writing other things. 

For MKE Mom's blog in 2017-2019, books, resources and more that I'm looking to publish and such...more on that another time. I was also working for a company doing Disney things, but decided to close that chapter last summer. Now, I'm writing again - for about a year now - and thought I would start writing posts here from time to time as well. 

3. Life has been HARD. 

Sometimes, writing has gotten pushed aside during the hard days and seasons. Eventually, it got pushed away because talking about things is pretty hard. Most days we feel like we are drowning. Less lately, but today was an emotional-drowning-type day. 

As many of you may know from an assortment of Facebook updates, that we have had quite the year and today has been something. 

Instead of only giving you reasons I was not writing, I'll also tell you why I am writing again.

- Writing can be healing for me. I hope it can be healing for you, too.  

- It opens doors for others - support and conversations.

- Raises awareness & new perspectives on adoption and mental health. 

- It's been too long.

The support we've received has been vital. Many of you have walked alongside us - it feels like too long since I've updated and shared. I appreciate those of you who have decided to step into our lives, hear our story and walk alongside us or others in similar situations. 

So, I'm sure you're DYING to know why I'm writing today specifically; it's twofold. 

The first, because my son was officially given his final notice that he needs to be discharged from his Residential Center by the end of the week. Gross, right? Can they even do that? We're looking into that. I'll keep you posted.

We tried to get more time for him to move to another Residential Treatment Center we like in a couple weeks, but they aren't willing to budge it seems. We covet your prayers for the Holy Spirit to soften the hearts of the staff - especially those making this decision. May He guide us to do whatever is best for him. We are asking for a miracle - that God would intervene. We ask you to join us. 

The second, is to encourage you that prayer is powerful. It has been a very hard month for our daughter since our son moved. Our son (her older. biological brother) was moved to a group home in October due to his unsafe behavior. Last month, her twin moved to treatment.

Thankfully, she was open and honest with us about her fears of being "next" and needing to move to receive treatment, too. We've spent a lot of time reassuring her, pouring into her and reminding her of the ways our lives have changed since her brothers moved. 

Tonight, it occurred to me: she has never lived without their chaos. She didn't crave "normal" the way Ben, I and our other two often do. I realized she's also never been in a calm, relaxing home. She has never had a place to land that felt safe without their behaviors and the stress. We are all adjusting, but it is especially hard for her. 

The amazing thing about this is she talked it out with us tonight. She expressed her fears, explained her deep struggles and sat with us in peace only God provides. There is certainty in the way she tells us she knows we love her AND her brothers. What an answer to our prayers that she - the one whose words encouraged me to start my blog forever ago - would initiate my desire to write these posts again. Over 6 years ago, she told me she liked me & I decided to write about it. 

Today, she told me I was the best mom she'd ever had. My response was actual surprise. It meant a lot coming from her. We joked about how she's had several moms and how that makes her words extra special. She thanked me for loving her and fighting with her. So, here I am; writing about it once again. 

On days like today, lies tend set in my mind about my parenting. I typically lay restless, questioning my parenting, sleeplessly wondering what I could do to change my kids' behavior; where we "went wrong". God had other plans on how to end my night. 

The administration of my son's treatment facility is putting pressure on me/us to find somewhere for my son to go because he is too difficult for them to stabilize and keep safe. For some reason this leads me to question why I can't keep him safe either. I, again, started to wonder why God placed us on this journey. 

However, God didn't just leave things there for me today. He gave me this sweet moment to end my parenting day. My God knows me and silences the lies. The lies I've been fighting for years have been so much quieter lately due to the lack of professional involvement in our lives. Instead of professionals questioning my/our abilities, they are becoming aware that a Residential Treatment Center created to support children with incredible behaviors, gave notice after just 25 days. Twenty five. Our 7 years seemed much longer today with that in mind. 

The narrative God has been trying to shout to me was clear toady: I will never be enough for my children. It was clear.

This was followed by His truth: He (God) IS enough for them. The reason I don't have to be enough is because they already have what they need in Him. I am just a bonus - icing if you will. 

While I am a great mom and doing everything I can for them, I am replaceable as their daily caretaker. My role in their life is as their caretaker may be on hiatus for now, but I'm still their mom. I have jobs to do in this new season; To remind them of who God says they are. To love them despite their mistakes. To train them to know God's voice and present them with His love for them whenever possible. God instructed us in Deuteronomy 6 to do these things and so, I will. 

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

This journey is LONG from over as we parent our children - regardless of where they live. We are here for the forever part of adoption. We may not live together, but we are still their parents. We will fiercely (read: obnoxiously) continue to pursue obedience of what God is requiring of us. Especially on the days we don't feel like it. 

As we continue to teach our sons God's love from afar through various avenues, on visits as we physically stay in their lives and by getting them the treatment they deserve, we are choosing obedience. And this sounds easy, but anyone who is a parent knows parenting only sounds easy. It rarely actually is. But, absolutely worth it.  

Because God is the only Redeemer and He loves them much more than I do, I know this means He also loves you this way. 

The way I love my kids is just a fraction of the incredible love God has for each of us. May this humble and remind us of the value of our own lives and our responsibility to love others in gratitude for His loving us. 

Thanks for welcoming me back by reading, sharing and commenting. I appreciate your encouragement, but even more - the way our story helps you understand God's love, so you can love those around you in big ways. More soon - I promise not to wait another 4 years.