Who I was all along.
I had the rare honor of speaking to a local house church tonight. After sharing my story and overwhelming the group a bit with lots of information, the questions they had amazed me. I am typically asked questions about how we logistically take care of our five kids, why we would ever do this and people comment about how amazing we are (insert eye roll emoji here).
But, this group was different. I was overwhelmed with their thoughtfulness and attention to my heart, but what blew my mind was a dad who has a heart to serve families he knows who are following God's call to do foster care or adopt. He asked some typical questions I hear about how to serve families in foster care and such - which was great - but then he asked me if I believed I was living out who God created me to be or simply out of obedience. After not thinking nearly enough, which I was able to answer YES, because both are true.
Sure, I always wanted a big family - a lot of kids (a lot is relative) - 4 or 5 maybe someday I thought. Yes, I wanted to adopt out of foster care after babysitting for a foster family we loved and witnessing their son's adoption. Yes, I always wanted to be a mom. YES - I felt called by God to adopt. Yes. Yes. Yes.
When I think about the whirlwind of a night it was two years ago when we accepted a last minute adoptive placement of 3 kids only two hours after we found out they existed, I know we mostly reacted out of obedience. The only way to explain our response to take them in was obedience because I had no interest in having 2 year old twins, a 3 year old, 4 year old & 6 year old. We had not idea what we were getting ourselves into. We hadn't given it enought thought. We wanted to say no - we even did at first.
Taking in 3 kids & committing to adopt them before we met them was not our idea of how we wanted to extend our family that day (or ever). Sure - in theory - we were starting to discuss this possibility, but we were by no means ready to jump in until we prayed and God gave us assurance and extraordinary peace.
When we originally were pursuing adoption through foster care, we wanted to adopt. We wanted to have kids come overnight. We knew we would have time to get to know the kids and walk through the process with them. We knew there would be time to adjust and fall in love with these babies who would naturally attach and bond with us. It was so effortless to fall in love with kids who easily reciprocated our love. Somehow we knew when we were saying yes to this sibling group of three, life was going to be hard. We knew they wouldn't love us for a while - we knew we likely would adopt kids who didn't love us. That made our choice an act of obedience.
But today, from where I stand, I don't consider adopting three of our children an act of obedience anymore. Their adoption day was one of the hardest days of our lives because our oldest attacked me the night before & melted trying to convince us not to adopt him because he was afraid. That wasn't an easy day because we were only beginning the journey of loving these three when we adopted them. But days and months have passed and with time, we have fallen in love with each kid for who they are rather than simply loving them because they were ours.
When I married Ben, I knew I loved him. But now as I look back, I realize 10 years ago I was infatuated with him and just beginning to understand what love was. Before I understood love well, I committed to love him forever. In the same way, (but in a more self aware way) adopting the three was similar. I knew I loved them, but I also knew I would fall in love them in the future. Not out of obedience, but because they are incredible people. Because they are adorable. Because they bring me joy. Because their laughter is contagious. Because they make me a better person. Because of who they are.
I am learning everyday who God created me to be by walking in obedience. I find that more fulfilling and beautiful than anything else I have ever experienced. I am becoming more of myself because I let God lead me and show me who He wanted me to be from the beginning. What an honor and a privilege to know so clearly one aspect of who God has called me to be.
While I am obviously still learning (if you know me, you know I got lots of learning to do), I am able to see myself more the way God does; I'm fully aware God will continue to give me more than I can handle - He has never promised anything else - but when my arms are full, Ben's are full and I feel like we are drowning, I've learned He will provide. He is the only one who can pull me out of the water I'm drowning in and provide me with what I need to be who He knew I was all along.
But, this group was different. I was overwhelmed with their thoughtfulness and attention to my heart, but what blew my mind was a dad who has a heart to serve families he knows who are following God's call to do foster care or adopt. He asked some typical questions I hear about how to serve families in foster care and such - which was great - but then he asked me if I believed I was living out who God created me to be or simply out of obedience. After not thinking nearly enough, which I was able to answer YES, because both are true.
Sure, I always wanted a big family - a lot of kids (a lot is relative) - 4 or 5 maybe someday I thought. Yes, I wanted to adopt out of foster care after babysitting for a foster family we loved and witnessing their son's adoption. Yes, I always wanted to be a mom. YES - I felt called by God to adopt. Yes. Yes. Yes.
When I think about the whirlwind of a night it was two years ago when we accepted a last minute adoptive placement of 3 kids only two hours after we found out they existed, I know we mostly reacted out of obedience. The only way to explain our response to take them in was obedience because I had no interest in having 2 year old twins, a 3 year old, 4 year old & 6 year old. We had not idea what we were getting ourselves into. We hadn't given it enought thought. We wanted to say no - we even did at first.
Taking in 3 kids & committing to adopt them before we met them was not our idea of how we wanted to extend our family that day (or ever). Sure - in theory - we were starting to discuss this possibility, but we were by no means ready to jump in until we prayed and God gave us assurance and extraordinary peace.
When we originally were pursuing adoption through foster care, we wanted to adopt. We wanted to have kids come overnight. We knew we would have time to get to know the kids and walk through the process with them. We knew there would be time to adjust and fall in love with these babies who would naturally attach and bond with us. It was so effortless to fall in love with kids who easily reciprocated our love. Somehow we knew when we were saying yes to this sibling group of three, life was going to be hard. We knew they wouldn't love us for a while - we knew we likely would adopt kids who didn't love us. That made our choice an act of obedience.
But today, from where I stand, I don't consider adopting three of our children an act of obedience anymore. Their adoption day was one of the hardest days of our lives because our oldest attacked me the night before & melted trying to convince us not to adopt him because he was afraid. That wasn't an easy day because we were only beginning the journey of loving these three when we adopted them. But days and months have passed and with time, we have fallen in love with each kid for who they are rather than simply loving them because they were ours.
When I married Ben, I knew I loved him. But now as I look back, I realize 10 years ago I was infatuated with him and just beginning to understand what love was. Before I understood love well, I committed to love him forever. In the same way, (but in a more self aware way) adopting the three was similar. I knew I loved them, but I also knew I would fall in love them in the future. Not out of obedience, but because they are incredible people. Because they are adorable. Because they bring me joy. Because their laughter is contagious. Because they make me a better person. Because of who they are.
I am learning everyday who God created me to be by walking in obedience. I find that more fulfilling and beautiful than anything else I have ever experienced. I am becoming more of myself because I let God lead me and show me who He wanted me to be from the beginning. What an honor and a privilege to know so clearly one aspect of who God has called me to be.
While I am obviously still learning (if you know me, you know I got lots of learning to do), I am able to see myself more the way God does; I'm fully aware God will continue to give me more than I can handle - He has never promised anything else - but when my arms are full, Ben's are full and I feel like we are drowning, I've learned He will provide. He is the only one who can pull me out of the water I'm drowning in and provide me with what I need to be who He knew I was all along.
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