The Art of Not Caring (Too Much)
There has been a significant theme over the last couple months as Ben and I have been explaining our parenting style to our friends and family. There has been a big shift as we've hit the two year mark as parents and we've equated it to not caring as much. Before you give us this look of confusion, let me share a bit about what this means to us.
When we adopted the first two, we had a hand in shaping their perception of the world. We were able to set up appropriate expectations for them: When you cry - someone will feed you. When you whine - we will wait until you ask nicely. When you throw things - they go away. I love you no matter what you do. You are valuable because you are mine. If you make a mistake, its ok - and I'll show you what to do. You are safe - even when you make me angry. You are unconditionally loved.
Sadly, for our other three children, these ideas were not consistently communicated or even true for the adults that loved them. The other adults who loved them taught them that if you make a mistake, you may get beaten. They were taught love was conditional. They were taught that you have to earn safety. They understood that if they asked for something they needed, they probably would be ignored, laughed at or punished for asking. They knew the police would come eventually and move them to a new home.
So we have had to not only start at square one, we've had to go back and rewire their brains before we could start at square one. We had to show them consistently that they are stuck with us (this is our silly way of explaining adoption). Sometimes this meant talking about it, but mostly it was about showing up every time - always coming back. Always picking them up. Always coming home. Two years later when go away for the weekend, the kids still panic and behaviors we haven't seen in months make a reappearance. They are hardwired to believe living somewhere is temporary since they moved every year growing up.
Sometimes, the way we discipline is confusing to other people because we are so basic. We don't do weapons because our oldest often takes play fighting too far due to him seeing adult movies at a young age. We don't do much sugar for our kids with trauma outside of the home because they get obsessive and steal more. We have strange rules to protect our kids from triggers and things that lead them to go down bad paths. We go about things a lot differently because we know our kids and their needs.
But over the last couple years, we've felt ourselves getting overwhelmed and overly emotional about our kids' choices and we realized there was a need for change. We have had to rewire their brains, but we are now at a point where it is time to let go. We need to allow them to learn how to start to make their own choices and suffer the consequences whenever possible.
For example, my kids are recently more responsible for their own stuff. I don't go back for the backpack they left behind. If we are going to the pool and I asked you to get your swim suit and you were too busy coloring, you will sit out and watch everyone else swim. If you forget your lunchbox at school, I will grab whichever one I can find tomorrow - even if its a pink sparkly one - yes - even for the boys. We have also made them responsible for their figurative stuff. If you scream at me for the hour you have to get ready for school instead of getting dressed, I will not be packing your uniform for you. You will wear what you have on and have to explain it to the principal when you get there. If you refuse to help when we do a family clean up, you will miss the next fun activity. If you don't want to take a quick shower - no problem! But, I can't read you your bedtime story if you smell. If you don't scrub well enough, you have to take another one, etc.
These things are all good and great for any parent to enforce - natural consequences work for most kids. What we learned lately is the less we care about our kids' consequences, the better the natural consequences actually work. If I get upset that my son won't get ready for school, he thinks I am taking him to school in his pajamas to embarrass him. He believes to his core that I want to hurt him - even though I never taught him that. Because I am calm, when he yells that at me for embarrassing him, I am able to explain calmly that I made sure his clothes were clean and that he was awake early enough to get ready in time. It was his choice to decide if he wanted to go to school in his pajamas. THIS HAS BEEN SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE.
If you are in the season I first mentioned of trying to rewire your kids' brains, the responsibility stuff will only get confusing with the bonding and attachment. But now as my kids are showing signs of bonding, it is such a relief to hand them their responsibilities! You can't imagine how freeing this has been, but even more - it has been an even bigger exhale to let go of feeling a need to react emotionally.
For some reason, I think the world wants me to be outraged at my son's choice to not be ready for school. My staying calm and allowing my son to make his own choices may reflect bad on me. Some other parents may judge me for not punishing him in a public way or letting him be embarrassed. Some parents may think I am too hard on him. Some may be able to teach their kid in a smaller way, but I have learned that the less I care about his consequences and let them live in them, the better my kids - especially my kids with PTSD - can connect the dots.
My daughter who has been with me since she was 6 months old would NEVER refuse to get dressed because when she was two, I took her to the store in her pajamas after she wouldn't change. I didn't care and she was so mortified that she learned her lesson at a young age.
My son who came to me at almost 7 years old has had lots of parents react to his choices in so many different ways that he has no idea what I will do. He wants me to hurt him because that it something that is comforting to him - and since I won't use any form of corporal punishment, he yells and me and even has begged me to. He used it as manipulation and my lack of hurting him as proof in convincing me that I don't love him - how twisted is that?! He is trying to push me to the limit and annoy me so I will comfort him in a way he remembers. My getting upset only gives him hope I may finally hurt him!
As we learn to care less (react less) and allow our kids to learn - no matter how painful it is for us - please remind us we are doing our best and try not to judge us. We care and likely I am heartbroken inside of how my kids will have to suffer the consequences of their choices, but helping them learn how to connect the dots is worth it. I am willing to put in the work now to hopefully allow them to connect the dots later in life when the consequences are much more permanent and life changing. Come be our village and allow our children to learn while the cost is small, but the lesson great.
When we adopted the first two, we had a hand in shaping their perception of the world. We were able to set up appropriate expectations for them: When you cry - someone will feed you. When you whine - we will wait until you ask nicely. When you throw things - they go away. I love you no matter what you do. You are valuable because you are mine. If you make a mistake, its ok - and I'll show you what to do. You are safe - even when you make me angry. You are unconditionally loved.
Sadly, for our other three children, these ideas were not consistently communicated or even true for the adults that loved them. The other adults who loved them taught them that if you make a mistake, you may get beaten. They were taught love was conditional. They were taught that you have to earn safety. They understood that if they asked for something they needed, they probably would be ignored, laughed at or punished for asking. They knew the police would come eventually and move them to a new home.
So we have had to not only start at square one, we've had to go back and rewire their brains before we could start at square one. We had to show them consistently that they are stuck with us (this is our silly way of explaining adoption). Sometimes this meant talking about it, but mostly it was about showing up every time - always coming back. Always picking them up. Always coming home. Two years later when go away for the weekend, the kids still panic and behaviors we haven't seen in months make a reappearance. They are hardwired to believe living somewhere is temporary since they moved every year growing up.
Sometimes, the way we discipline is confusing to other people because we are so basic. We don't do weapons because our oldest often takes play fighting too far due to him seeing adult movies at a young age. We don't do much sugar for our kids with trauma outside of the home because they get obsessive and steal more. We have strange rules to protect our kids from triggers and things that lead them to go down bad paths. We go about things a lot differently because we know our kids and their needs.
But over the last couple years, we've felt ourselves getting overwhelmed and overly emotional about our kids' choices and we realized there was a need for change. We have had to rewire their brains, but we are now at a point where it is time to let go. We need to allow them to learn how to start to make their own choices and suffer the consequences whenever possible.
For example, my kids are recently more responsible for their own stuff. I don't go back for the backpack they left behind. If we are going to the pool and I asked you to get your swim suit and you were too busy coloring, you will sit out and watch everyone else swim. If you forget your lunchbox at school, I will grab whichever one I can find tomorrow - even if its a pink sparkly one - yes - even for the boys. We have also made them responsible for their figurative stuff. If you scream at me for the hour you have to get ready for school instead of getting dressed, I will not be packing your uniform for you. You will wear what you have on and have to explain it to the principal when you get there. If you refuse to help when we do a family clean up, you will miss the next fun activity. If you don't want to take a quick shower - no problem! But, I can't read you your bedtime story if you smell. If you don't scrub well enough, you have to take another one, etc.
These things are all good and great for any parent to enforce - natural consequences work for most kids. What we learned lately is the less we care about our kids' consequences, the better the natural consequences actually work. If I get upset that my son won't get ready for school, he thinks I am taking him to school in his pajamas to embarrass him. He believes to his core that I want to hurt him - even though I never taught him that. Because I am calm, when he yells that at me for embarrassing him, I am able to explain calmly that I made sure his clothes were clean and that he was awake early enough to get ready in time. It was his choice to decide if he wanted to go to school in his pajamas. THIS HAS BEEN SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE.
If you are in the season I first mentioned of trying to rewire your kids' brains, the responsibility stuff will only get confusing with the bonding and attachment. But now as my kids are showing signs of bonding, it is such a relief to hand them their responsibilities! You can't imagine how freeing this has been, but even more - it has been an even bigger exhale to let go of feeling a need to react emotionally.
For some reason, I think the world wants me to be outraged at my son's choice to not be ready for school. My staying calm and allowing my son to make his own choices may reflect bad on me. Some other parents may judge me for not punishing him in a public way or letting him be embarrassed. Some parents may think I am too hard on him. Some may be able to teach their kid in a smaller way, but I have learned that the less I care about his consequences and let them live in them, the better my kids - especially my kids with PTSD - can connect the dots.
My daughter who has been with me since she was 6 months old would NEVER refuse to get dressed because when she was two, I took her to the store in her pajamas after she wouldn't change. I didn't care and she was so mortified that she learned her lesson at a young age.
My son who came to me at almost 7 years old has had lots of parents react to his choices in so many different ways that he has no idea what I will do. He wants me to hurt him because that it something that is comforting to him - and since I won't use any form of corporal punishment, he yells and me and even has begged me to. He used it as manipulation and my lack of hurting him as proof in convincing me that I don't love him - how twisted is that?! He is trying to push me to the limit and annoy me so I will comfort him in a way he remembers. My getting upset only gives him hope I may finally hurt him!
As we learn to care less (react less) and allow our kids to learn - no matter how painful it is for us - please remind us we are doing our best and try not to judge us. We care and likely I am heartbroken inside of how my kids will have to suffer the consequences of their choices, but helping them learn how to connect the dots is worth it. I am willing to put in the work now to hopefully allow them to connect the dots later in life when the consequences are much more permanent and life changing. Come be our village and allow our children to learn while the cost is small, but the lesson great.
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