Parents of the Year

Sometimes I take my son to school in his pajamas.  My kids have regular uniform violations. My son gets sent home from school regularly for behavior issues. My kids don't always get all their homework done on time. How in the world did Ben & I get awarded Parents of the Year in a school that to the outside world, seems like an academic focused school?! (I am sure many of you are shocked at the notion in other regards, but let's focus on these reasons for the sake of a point I'm making...) While my kids' school does care about academics and the kids are pushed to excellence, this is obviously not their primary focus if we are getting a parenting award.

My kids are thriving academically. That was not mentioned. My big kids have had good behavior. This was not mentioned.  Our school seems all about performance and behavior, but they are about heart. 

They rewarded us "Parents of the Year" because we are partnering with our kids teachers to figure out how to love them well. Sometimes that is providing the school with a book about trauma. Sometimes that is about texting a teacher about my kids' trauma triggers or struggles at home. Sometimes it's about my showing up to school unannounced to have my kids see me see them do something ordinary. Sometimes it's bringing a teacher a chai when they went the extra mile to support you when it would've been easier not to follow through.  What it is not for is expecting the teachers to know everything or expecting them to try to figure out my kids alone. It was all about the partnership. 

So, am I telling you all of this because I want you to know I got an award. No, (I am actually pretty embarrassed about that) but I am still amazed a week later that consistency and support is what our school is taking the time to recognize.  Instead of recognizing parents who seem like they have their act together - as our world typically does - they saw us: parents who obviously don't have any aspect of our lives together, but are ready to put the work in to educate teachers & advocate for our kids.  We are not rescuing them or asking for pity when they make mistakes, but instead are allowing their mistakes to build their character. 

After adopting out of foster care I have had such a hard time advocating for my kids because for years case workers, therapists, doctors, specialists and birth parents got to make all the decisions for the kids I loved, spent all day with and took care of.  We had no legal, medical and even little cosmetic decision making power in my kids' lives for years!  I had no idea that we could object to a prescription or ask for a second opinion.  Now that all my kids are adopted, I have learned that if I don't advocate for my kids, no one will. It is my job. I am one of the only people in their lives to know them well enough to be able to understand what they need. 

Instead of seeing this as the burden I have been carrying around lately - one of fear of failure and "breaking my kids" - I have been able to see this award Ben & I received as recognition of the need for parents to stand up and declare what their kids need.  I remember walking into an initial meeting with our oldest's teachers, the vice principal & dean of students last year and nervously unsure of the "How to Love Jacob" info sheet I brought to them.  I was helping them see my kid in a different lens & giving examples of how they saw him in rose colored glasses and I had to explain how I thought we could work together to elevate these issues.  I always thought they saw me as an obnoxious, overbearing mom (and maybe they do), but they are grateful for my initiative, providing them with the resources I use to understand my kids. 

So, when you are afraid to advocate for your kids - especially those with special needs who can't communicate what they need - keep pushing.  Keep reading. Keep asking the therapist more questions. Keep meeting with administrators. Keep speaking up, and if you can't find the support you need to help your kid thrive, keep pushing. If you are incredibly lucky like I have been, the teachers will follow through with your kids. They will call you (even when you are on vacation) when they see your kids' trauma response because they care and are informed about his mental health.  This award was more a recognition of the staff at my kids' school to be willing to learn with me about how to love my kids who have been through hard things in their short little lives.  What a privilege and gift God has given us in this school.