Feeling Exposed
Honestly, I have mixed feeelings over people reading my blog. I started the blog for myself. To process all the things going on in our lives - to keep a journal of how I am feeling and what we are going through. I started to share so people can hear truths like: you are not alone; you don't have to be perfect. I also share because I feel a responsibility to share. I am already open and honest with so many. So many people ask our story - for informational foster care meetings, friends interested in adoption and the random nosy lady at Target who wants to know why kids who look nothing like me call me mommy.
I am reluctant to share my strories - our stories - because they expose us. They expose me. Each story shows our imperfections. I am aware you can see them a mile away, but here I am owning them. Sometimes after posting something raw and personal I have to (figuratively) cover up and resist the urge to delete the post - due to the level of shame I feel letting it all out there for the world to see.
You see, there are so many feelings as I saw on my blog home site today that my blog has over 20,000 views. Mostly: I don't want the world to see the depths of me. Partially: I am so glad there are that many people who have been encouraged.
Even if just the small portion of people who reach out were the only ones reading it would all be worth it. Feeling exposed is worth it when your friend from church reaches out for advice on how to love their kid through school issues. It is worth it when I get to walk with my friends who have become foster parents and have been encouraged to take in their second sibling group. When I don't have to walk around explaining our lives - which look very different than most - that we are ok - it is so worth it.
My shame in the brokenmess and feeling over exposed has also been healing. I am able to process where we have been. There has been so much growth I can measure as I look back over the past two years. It is all worth it. Grateful for a space to share our story and I will continue to resist the urge to not post - most of the time at least - believe it or not: I do have a filter.
So I will keep the raw, personal, overly exposing posts coming. Please keep reading and maybe look at the world through our eyes for a moment. See the joy adoption has brought us. The journey is real, human, raw, ugly, hard, ridiculous and beautiful all at once.
I will "Just keep swimming"...I mean....just keep writing....
I am reluctant to share my strories - our stories - because they expose us. They expose me. Each story shows our imperfections. I am aware you can see them a mile away, but here I am owning them. Sometimes after posting something raw and personal I have to (figuratively) cover up and resist the urge to delete the post - due to the level of shame I feel letting it all out there for the world to see.
You see, there are so many feelings as I saw on my blog home site today that my blog has over 20,000 views. Mostly: I don't want the world to see the depths of me. Partially: I am so glad there are that many people who have been encouraged.
Even if just the small portion of people who reach out were the only ones reading it would all be worth it. Feeling exposed is worth it when your friend from church reaches out for advice on how to love their kid through school issues. It is worth it when I get to walk with my friends who have become foster parents and have been encouraged to take in their second sibling group. When I don't have to walk around explaining our lives - which look very different than most - that we are ok - it is so worth it.
My shame in the brokenmess and feeling over exposed has also been healing. I am able to process where we have been. There has been so much growth I can measure as I look back over the past two years. It is all worth it. Grateful for a space to share our story and I will continue to resist the urge to not post - most of the time at least - believe it or not: I do have a filter.
So I will keep the raw, personal, overly exposing posts coming. Please keep reading and maybe look at the world through our eyes for a moment. See the joy adoption has brought us. The journey is real, human, raw, ugly, hard, ridiculous and beautiful all at once.
I will "Just keep swimming"...I mean....just keep writing....
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