Another impossible decision...
I've been avoiding writing this post as I question why I'm compelled to write about my oldest being admitted into the behavioral health (psychiatric) hospital a few days ago. Again. It felt impossible to take him in to be evaluated - knowing we'd much rather have him stay home. We knew we had to do what was best for him, not what was comfortable or easy. But it was clear to the doctors that he needed to immediately be admitted.
Last year we were in a much different place. Our same son was admitted into the hospital after threatening his life, raging and then endangering my life as I drove him to get help. While last time I felt in danger, this time I felt he was the one in danger.
It isn't every nine year old that considers killing themselves, but after the years of trauma, neglect and abuse our son endured before the age of 7 - these things aren't coming out of left field. This week, he took it to a new level by creating and starting to execute his plan to hurt himself - which we are still wrapping our minds around. How can our son who is so sweet, fun and when he has come so far still have so many dark feelings?
It was simply heartbreaking to hear the case worker at the hospital suggest that we may need to accept that no matter how well our son is doing, occasional bouts at these behavioral hospitals may continue to be necessary for him as his body grows & changes. He likely will continue to need help keeping himself safe.
The tricky part is he is excelling at school most of the time and usually has great behavior - even at home. The dangerous, impulsive, scary choices are so few and far between. It is so rare, but we can't ignore that they are happening at school. At the same time we are so glad there is a place - only 15 minutes from home we feel is safe to take him where he can be monitored as he is introduced to medications (with possible side effects/health concerns), educated on age appropriate coping skills and practice calming strategies.
When I got to visit with him today he was showing me the shield he made to help him with bullying and teasing. His coping skills on the back of the shield to remind him how to protect himself in those moments. He was finishing with yoga with the other kids. It gave me so much relief to see him today - such a sponge - finally in a place he is ready and able to start applying these coping skills hes been introduced to over and over the last two and a half years.
I am such a proud mom tonight. Proud of my son who is accepting help. Proud of my husband who kept the house & family together as I've crumbled and fought through anxiety, denial and fear. It has been such a learning experience as we navigate raising kids who have been through so much. We are learning when we need help from family, from therapists and even hospitals.
To be super honest for a second: we don't need your pity. We don't really want your advice right now. If you have been in a similar place, we want you to know you are not alone. There may be a day you need to consider getting help for someone you love and we will not hide our journey which may be confused for shame. I share our story to take the stigma away and educate about a topic so confusing in our culture.
Our son wants our family, friends and his classmates to know that he was in the hospital because he knows the power of prayer. He knows that he needs help. There is no ounce of his being that wants to hide his struggles or humanness - he is ok with being broken and needing help putting the pieces back together. What a blessing it is to be a mom of such a wonderful, resilient, humble little boy.
As you read this, please, oh please cover all of us in prayer - this has been especially difficult on our other four children. Hugs are good. Acceptance and support are welcome, but know that we have amazing friends and family walking through this with us.
While we wouldn't wish these painfully hard days on our worst enemy, our son is worth it. We know this will not be the end of his mental health journey, and we feel honored to get to be the ones to love and support him through it.
Last year we were in a much different place. Our same son was admitted into the hospital after threatening his life, raging and then endangering my life as I drove him to get help. While last time I felt in danger, this time I felt he was the one in danger.
It isn't every nine year old that considers killing themselves, but after the years of trauma, neglect and abuse our son endured before the age of 7 - these things aren't coming out of left field. This week, he took it to a new level by creating and starting to execute his plan to hurt himself - which we are still wrapping our minds around. How can our son who is so sweet, fun and when he has come so far still have so many dark feelings?
It was simply heartbreaking to hear the case worker at the hospital suggest that we may need to accept that no matter how well our son is doing, occasional bouts at these behavioral hospitals may continue to be necessary for him as his body grows & changes. He likely will continue to need help keeping himself safe.
The tricky part is he is excelling at school most of the time and usually has great behavior - even at home. The dangerous, impulsive, scary choices are so few and far between. It is so rare, but we can't ignore that they are happening at school. At the same time we are so glad there is a place - only 15 minutes from home we feel is safe to take him where he can be monitored as he is introduced to medications (with possible side effects/health concerns), educated on age appropriate coping skills and practice calming strategies.
When I got to visit with him today he was showing me the shield he made to help him with bullying and teasing. His coping skills on the back of the shield to remind him how to protect himself in those moments. He was finishing with yoga with the other kids. It gave me so much relief to see him today - such a sponge - finally in a place he is ready and able to start applying these coping skills hes been introduced to over and over the last two and a half years.
I am such a proud mom tonight. Proud of my son who is accepting help. Proud of my husband who kept the house & family together as I've crumbled and fought through anxiety, denial and fear. It has been such a learning experience as we navigate raising kids who have been through so much. We are learning when we need help from family, from therapists and even hospitals.
To be super honest for a second: we don't need your pity. We don't really want your advice right now. If you have been in a similar place, we want you to know you are not alone. There may be a day you need to consider getting help for someone you love and we will not hide our journey which may be confused for shame. I share our story to take the stigma away and educate about a topic so confusing in our culture.
Our son wants our family, friends and his classmates to know that he was in the hospital because he knows the power of prayer. He knows that he needs help. There is no ounce of his being that wants to hide his struggles or humanness - he is ok with being broken and needing help putting the pieces back together. What a blessing it is to be a mom of such a wonderful, resilient, humble little boy.
As you read this, please, oh please cover all of us in prayer - this has been especially difficult on our other four children. Hugs are good. Acceptance and support are welcome, but know that we have amazing friends and family walking through this with us.
While we wouldn't wish these painfully hard days on our worst enemy, our son is worth it. We know this will not be the end of his mental health journey, and we feel honored to get to be the ones to love and support him through it.
Hugs and many prayers to all of you.....
ReplyDeleteThank you - they mean more than you know
DeleteThank you for sharing this- mental health should not have a stigma and people shouldn’t feel alone. I also cannot imagine how hard it is to see your child suffer. Much love to your family.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Karri. It shouldn't, but sadly it does. Thanks for your encouragement.
DeleteIt's been a long time since we've spoken, childhood probably. But when I grew up I became a psychologist. I have been following your blog from the beginning. Your children could not have been united with more resilient, loving, and willing to understand and support their many needs parents. You blow me away each time you make tangible in your writing the lived experience of coping with complex trauma and the suffering soul(s) within. Be encouraged. You are a carer of souls.
ReplyDeleteWow. Thank you for these words. I wish I knew your name so I could connect the dots, but thanks for sharing and your words of encouragement.
DeletePraying for the family, will share with our prayer group if ok, Ben knows most of the members.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. Prayers are always welcome. Thank you.
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