Just Like A Whiney Israelite

It is easy to roll your eyes at the Israelites (check out Numbers esp chapter 11) when they are literally whining about God's provision of only manna. God had just delivered them from slavery, was leading them to a promised land of milk and honey and they were fed up with Him. They were sick of having the same meal everyday.  They were ungrateful, spoiled little brats.

I am dealing with this idea on two fronts.  One of our sons has been particularly ungrateful lately. He used to have a hard time using his words to ask for things, but as the floodgates opened, his desire for more is always all he talks about. We are going out for pizza and before we even get there, he asks what is for dessert. We get him a new backpack, but he is mad his brother got a cool one given to him....the list goes on and on - nothing is ever enough, he wants to know what else he's getting or point out what is not included...super annoying. I can relate to God in this story - angry because we literally adopted this kid and he seems so unimpressed. He has given us little appreciation, little reciprocal love, and even less excitement over the opportunities he's been given. I'm not expecting a parade, but not asking for more constantly would be nice - maybe even a little genuine appreciation! 

I mean it really hurts when your kid is screaming at you that it is the worst day of his life much more when a kid has been moved from three homes, ignored, neglected and abused in other homes. It is hard to ignore because he understands living without love, safety and attention. Him comparing life with us to worse than his life before us cuts my heart much deeper than my other kids throwing around those words. 

I can't imagine how God must feel being rejected so regularly by so many he created all because he gave us the choice to love him - the opportunity to chose leaves room for disappointment - the choice not to love. But on the other hand, watching people only focus on their current situation seems so ridiculous when God has provided for them in incredible ways. This is the problem I am struggling with right now. 

Two years ago I had all five of my kids at home by myself all summer with 5 littles - ages 3, 3, 3, 4 & 7 - while my husband provided for our family. I was running around to appointments, trying to find people to help me, getting little sleep trying to keep up with it all. I ran all around town for all kinds of evaluations and appointments. I was often angry, terrified, and in shock that we had taken placement of three kids at the last minute and was slowly realizing the ramifications of this choice. 

One year ago I was devastated as our son was hospitalized three times in one month for mental health issues after endangering my life & his several times. I never have felt such frustration over having to do what is right for your kid especially when it is the last thing you would ever want to do. 

We had a family from our neighborhood over for dinner tonight and as I'm laying in bed (unable to sleep as usual lately) she messaged me to check in and see if I was ok. She was concerned because I wasn't eating much and seemed quiet. With her thoughtful words of concern I was able to start to consider - am I ok? 

To be honest - I am not sure. I am in such a better place than I was two years ago. I am in a much healthier place mentally than I was a last year at this time. Our home life has improved significantly and the child giving us the most trouble lately is constantly changing which is a nice change of pace. 

I am trying so badly not to cry out to God for help because I feel like an annoying, ungrateful brat (like those Israelites) asking God to help me even more. He has already brought us so far. I am physically having back pain this summer due to the amount of stress I feel to get it all done, the fear of what may happen and because I am probably waiting for a shoe to drop - holding my breath - waiting for everything to fall apart. 

So here I am - trying to figure out how to need God without complaining as I remember the many incredible ways he's provided for us. Sometimes I want to complain because I am so aware He is capable of so many more amazing things. Then I spend time praying - trying not to be resentful that He is choosing not to do all of them today. 

I'm not sure what I expect of God, but I know that I definitely don't want to be like those ungrateful Israelites whom I tend to emulate too often...