You Sit On A Throne Of Lies.

I have an honestly problem. I have to tell the truth. Sometimes I am so filled with a longing to tell the truth that I struggle to keep my mouth shut. (Many of you already knew this about me...) I want everyone to know how I feel, what they are doing that is wrong or make sure they know what is true. I have struggled with this my whole life and it continues to annoy me as I am a mom because as Elf would say, my kids, they sit on thrones of lies.

All kids lie. Everyone lies. I struggle to lie, but I also lie from time to time to make things "easier" for myself. My kids on the other hand lie with ease. Like I'm talking 20-30 times a day over stupid things. They lie about a choice they just made, their motivation, how they feel, what is in their hands (don't they know I can see them?!) - whatever. They just lie and lie and lie and lie and it makes me a bit crazy. 

Sure, I know - I should read a book about trauma (and oh boy have I). Kids who have been traumatized by neglect or abuse tend to react subconsciously out of fight or flight. Here are the cliff notes in plain English: my kids are hot wired - because of trauma - to react to most situations by lying out of fear that they will be hurt, abused, neglected, or even die if they don't protect themselves.  (For more info on this, check out Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control by Post and Forbes - they explain it best that I've read so far.)

For someone who was raised in a safe environment and values honesty this is so hard to wrap my brain around day in and day out. I feel this burn in my heart every time I lie - I typically feel guilt, shame and responsible because I so desire to be honest and real with myself and the world. While I don't like the ugliness of my heart to be out there for the world to see, I know that the way I feel after I lie is much worse and tormenting than just letting my sin be exposed. 

I get it: my kids lie constantly because of trauma. I can explain it, I could write a book after reading so much about it because it is such a common theme and predictable behavior for kids who have been in hard places. But, when you are knee deep in the trenches of lies upon lies over everything all day, it is so hard to find grace, patience and understanding when your son covers his brother with a blanket he peed on so he wouldn't be held responsible and lies about it over and over. Without any warning, he can come up with a dishonest account of what happened - without flinching.

It is just so frustrating and overwhelming to be surrounded by so many constant lies. About things in their hands - things I saw them do even!  One of our daughters is 5 and she knew I watched her slam the door in her sibling's face. I told her I saw her slam the door and calmly asked her why she slammed the door in their face; she responds by explaining how someone else did it and she didn't do it. I never asked her if she did. I knew she did, but she still was trying to hide and protect herself! 

Here is my current process - the literal steps I (try to/usually) go through with each interaction: 

1) Call out what I saw. 

Instead of asking "Did you just slam that door in your brother's face?" I say "I saw you slammed the door in Henry's face. Were you angry at him?" I do this for three reasons. 1) She will lie if I ask. 2) It helps me not get frustrated by #1 and 3) Her anxiety will peak if I try to catch her in a lie. 

2) Hope their answer is true, but assume they may not fully understand what just happened. 

She legitimately may not know her motivation. Focusing on my best guess as to why they made a choice takes them out of the guilty party role and allows them to explore the WHY behind their choice. This is a lot less intimidating and allows them to forget their fear of an adult exploding/punishing them harshly as they have seen in the past. It often helps them avoid an anxious, fight or flight response. 

3) Try to remain calm and emotionally unaffected by their reasoning. 

I am the queen of emotional responses. I want to scream - throw a tantrum even - when my kids outright lie to me. I've learned this is ineffective when dealing with my kids' dishonesty. One of the most common reasons my kids say they lie is because they don't want me to be mad. I know this is because no matter how hard I try to stay calm in all the lies, when I find out they've been lying or tricking me I tend to get visibly upset. My delivering a consequence as cool as a cucumber is much more effective than when I react out of anger. 

4) Forgive and retry. 

Quickly saying "Thank you for telling me you lied to me because you were afraid I would be mad. I forgive you for lying to me. (Hug) Lets go back and try this again. I'm going to tell you what I saw you did. I want you to own your choice, explain how you are feeling, and then we can move on quickly. If you can not own it, you will need to take a break in your room until you are ready to take responsibility."

I say so many words in a day that exhaust me.  Going through this process dozens of times a day is exhausting, but we are making so much progress! The lies are less frequent because the kids are learning we are safe and even at the worst choices we won't react like other adults have in the past. 

So, next time you see me over react when my kid lies to me (for the 16th time by 9am and you only saw one or two of the lies) please extend grace to me and assume the best of me. Allow me to feel how I feel. I don't need to be happy all the time - maybe me being discouraged by the lies and being honest with my kids about how it hurts me is actually helping them feel safe enough to tell the truth. Sometimes I'm hurt, sometimes I'm angry, but usually - by the grace of God - I am able to let take a minute to think, them allow them to retry the truth. The last thing I need is to have to explain to an adult why I assumed my kid was lying - sometimes that accusation or feeling misunderstood cuts deeper and I get so discouraged. Know that for a girl who grew up desiring to live in a hyper honest world, the constant lies do - from time to time - get me down and push me over the edge. Know I will seek forgiveness and apologize when I am wrong. I always am honest with my kids about my faults and my inability to trust them sometimes is unfair. 

To all of you who are loving someone who tends to lie as a defense, try to extend grace not only to the person lying out of fear, but also to the one who is trying (successfully or not) to take the countless lies personally. While lying is a consequence of my kids' trauma, we still hold them accountable. We don't always need a consequence for lying, but sometimes it is necessary. We may give them more chances and time to think about the truth, but allowing them to lie without taking the time to process it isn't allowing them to be who God created them to be. 

How do you help your kids stay honest? Anything you would do differently? You know our parenting is constantly a work in progress so I would love some of your best tips, words, experiences or processes.