The hardest week yet.
To say the last week has been hard would be an understatement. I sit here trying to catch my breath before picking up my oldest son from the hospital. After a typical meltdown over something random, my son threatened to hurt himself & since this was a repeat performance, I had to take action. Shaking as I drove him to the ER, I called my son's therapists to confirm I made the right decision and to know which hospital to go to. As my son is throwing everything he can reach (including his shoes & booster seat) at me and screaming horrible things, I am (amazingly) calm, praying and trying to focus on getting there safely and not bursting into tears.
His therapist - who was thankfully available, instructed me on where to take him and within a couple hours, our son was admitted into a behavioral health hospital. I didn't really understand what happened until they instructed me to take my oldest son back to the place he will be staying. They explained how he'd need to stay the week. Wait, what?! I thought this would be a quick - maybe one or two night hospital stay where I'd be able to stay with him. No, they have a child wing at this hospital for kids who are struggling. There were nurses who stay with him 24/7, psychiatrists who evaluate him daily to make medication adjustments, doctors, case workers and even dietitians to help him learn how to cope rather than threatening his life or ours.
So this week, I have only had an hour a day I've been able to see my son. He has called me occasionally to see how I'm doing, but otherwise I've had to just allow the specialists to do their jobs and help him learn more methods to cope with his anxiety/stress. The worst part is each visit he would beg me to take him home with us - he missed his bed & siblings. His psychiatrist updated me daily on how my son was fearing we wouldn't let him come home - that he was going to be moved again. The great burden this has been on me has been unspeakable and overwhelming.
Since we met him last May, our Jacob has been afraid everyday that he would have to leave. He was afraid he would do something that would make us want to send him a way. He was afraid we would hurt him or the police/foster care agency would take him away - like they did when he was in the other homes.
As a mom, all I want to do is protect my kids and convince him that I will come back. At one of the appointments with Jacob's therapists, she told me I needed to stop (figuratively) screaming at Jacob that I love him and that I will keep him safe. Instead, I just need to love him and keep him safe. My actions are going to speak louder than any words Jacob has ever heard - everyone else's words have been empty.
Today, I have another chance to just show him I love him & that we will be together forever. No matter how excruciating it was to take him to this facility, I kept him safe. It felt horrible, wrong and like I was abandoning my son with strangers. The guilt I have felt has been unbearable, but Ben & I chose what he needed over what I wanted. Ben and I will love our son unconditionally - no matter what choices he makes, no matter what his diagnoses. He is stuck with us as we will do whatever it takes to keep him safe. We knew God called us to be parents to Jacob. It was clear as we were admitting him, that Ben - with his years of experience working with hundreds of people who struggle with mental illness - is the perfect dad for Jacob.
As we get closer and progress in our therapy to attach with Jacob, his fears and PTSD take over and he doesn't know how he can go on. His trauma relentlessly consumes him. Please pray with us for our son as we know only God can comfort him completely and heal him from the brokenness. We need prayer and help to do this whole parenting adopted kids thing. I will try to more regularly update this so you can pray - it has been a hard summer - even with the kids at camp! I appreciate your support, kind notes and thoughtfulness as many of you have supported us in creative ways. Grateful you desire to walk with us through this.
His therapist - who was thankfully available, instructed me on where to take him and within a couple hours, our son was admitted into a behavioral health hospital. I didn't really understand what happened until they instructed me to take my oldest son back to the place he will be staying. They explained how he'd need to stay the week. Wait, what?! I thought this would be a quick - maybe one or two night hospital stay where I'd be able to stay with him. No, they have a child wing at this hospital for kids who are struggling. There were nurses who stay with him 24/7, psychiatrists who evaluate him daily to make medication adjustments, doctors, case workers and even dietitians to help him learn how to cope rather than threatening his life or ours.
So this week, I have only had an hour a day I've been able to see my son. He has called me occasionally to see how I'm doing, but otherwise I've had to just allow the specialists to do their jobs and help him learn more methods to cope with his anxiety/stress. The worst part is each visit he would beg me to take him home with us - he missed his bed & siblings. His psychiatrist updated me daily on how my son was fearing we wouldn't let him come home - that he was going to be moved again. The great burden this has been on me has been unspeakable and overwhelming.
Since we met him last May, our Jacob has been afraid everyday that he would have to leave. He was afraid he would do something that would make us want to send him a way. He was afraid we would hurt him or the police/foster care agency would take him away - like they did when he was in the other homes.
As a mom, all I want to do is protect my kids and convince him that I will come back. At one of the appointments with Jacob's therapists, she told me I needed to stop (figuratively) screaming at Jacob that I love him and that I will keep him safe. Instead, I just need to love him and keep him safe. My actions are going to speak louder than any words Jacob has ever heard - everyone else's words have been empty.
Today, I have another chance to just show him I love him & that we will be together forever. No matter how excruciating it was to take him to this facility, I kept him safe. It felt horrible, wrong and like I was abandoning my son with strangers. The guilt I have felt has been unbearable, but Ben & I chose what he needed over what I wanted. Ben and I will love our son unconditionally - no matter what choices he makes, no matter what his diagnoses. He is stuck with us as we will do whatever it takes to keep him safe. We knew God called us to be parents to Jacob. It was clear as we were admitting him, that Ben - with his years of experience working with hundreds of people who struggle with mental illness - is the perfect dad for Jacob.
As we get closer and progress in our therapy to attach with Jacob, his fears and PTSD take over and he doesn't know how he can go on. His trauma relentlessly consumes him. Please pray with us for our son as we know only God can comfort him completely and heal him from the brokenness. We need prayer and help to do this whole parenting adopted kids thing. I will try to more regularly update this so you can pray - it has been a hard summer - even with the kids at camp! I appreciate your support, kind notes and thoughtfulness as many of you have supported us in creative ways. Grateful you desire to walk with us through this.
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