How did we get here?

As I stopped and considered my emotions yesterday at 5:13pm in the midst of the insanity that is after school, I questioned every decision i made in the last two years. The kids were explaining to Ben the horrible behavior they had at school: punching a kid, intentionally peeing in the middle of the class room, being rude to their teacher, stealing another kids' snack & then being horrible to me on the way home...I was mortified and embarrassed by their choices. I couldn't help but ask myself: Can we handle 5 kids? Am I kind enough? Have we utilized all of our therapists well? Are the kids on the right meds? Should they even BE on meds? Did we make a mistake saying yes to this?

Within the hour, all the kids were in bed. Some days just need to be over so we can start over again the next day.  They were exhausted. I was exhausted. And then, our oldest's therapists walk in. I had forgotten they were coming. We have in-home specialized therapists - yes there are two - that have come to help twice a week since his hospitalization this fall.  I vented and told them about our horrible day until I was interrupted by one of the kids.  When I came back to the therapists, they were calmly sitting on our couch with Ben and they had one question: How did you guys get here? 

After four months of working with them, we had shared our story in bits and pieces, but never had a chance to really tell them the story of the night the three kids entered our lives. We never told them about our desire to have more time to decide, the incredible fears we had, how we said no initially. But the most important thing we shared with them was WHY we said yes.  We said yes because we felt called by God to parent these kids.  We knew & are still confident that God chose us for this exact family. 

Yes. It is easy to forget and I regularly do forget, but it was much more often months & months ago; I question everything and even get angry that God placed us here with this hard life, but sharing our story brings clarity. Every time I share our story I remember exactly why we said yes. We said yes because the God of the Universe we love, serve & know well made it clear. So when you see me and I've lost my mind or joy, please ask me how we got here.  Every once and a while I need to hit the restart button and remember.