The Silent Lunch
Its been almost three hours sitting here in silence. I had lots of work to catch up on and this son of mine has been working my last nerve. The stealing. LIES. Strange behavior. Nothing out of character for him, but the quantity of issues has significantly increased.
Everything in me wanted to leave him at home with Ben. Ben was willing to hold down the fort so I could get away for a couple hours - he was encouraging me to take a break. He saw my buttons being pushed and didn't want me to (continue to) explode. Little outbursts of anger - my tone, body language and even my physical stress has been bubbling to the surface.
I didn't want to be with him - I didn't want to hear him talk. See his annoyed looks. I didn't want to hear his breath or even see him. I wanted to push this kid away. He has been hurting me daily with the countless lies, carelessness and constant blame shifting. I just wanted someone to come take him away for a couple hours.
Instead, I told him to grab his things and come with me. I was going to get out of the house today - but he was coming with me. He was going to see that I am more than an annoyed mom. I am a mom who cares - arguably too much. But, I also have work to do. Blogs to finish. Quotes to catch up on. And while I will always be his mom - he tries to consume my days with him - I am more than that. He needs to see what I do when I take my alone time.
If we are at home, he battles me constantly. He wants every word of his to be heard, he wants me to be frustrated if he's frustrated - and boy is he skilled at this. I can't allow him to treat me this way.
Instead, I brought him with me to eat lunch and work. Show him that he can't win my attention with this horrible behavior. He is missing time playing at home - the silly adventures Baba has with them when I am away. Sure - he will show his anger when we get home about what he didn't realize he missed.
But, just for a few more minutes, we will sit here in silence. No rude words. No opportunities to lie. No more annoyed mama. Just a mom sitting here enjoying the quiet - white noise of the restaurant - as I get my things done. He has plenty of apology notes to write and books to read. But, lunch without words may show him that I love him. My harsh words and gentle words have been falling on dead ears too long and sometimes I just need to say less.
So this is me not running away. Choosing love. I don't always like my tone, the way I feel about my kids' behavior or the day to day life of this chaos God brought us into. But, instead of pushing these kids of ours away, I choose to apologize. I choose to bring them closer when they make me crazy. I choose love. Not always well, but I'll keep brushing off and trying again.
Sometimes silence is better than words.
Everything in me wanted to leave him at home with Ben. Ben was willing to hold down the fort so I could get away for a couple hours - he was encouraging me to take a break. He saw my buttons being pushed and didn't want me to (continue to) explode. Little outbursts of anger - my tone, body language and even my physical stress has been bubbling to the surface.
I didn't want to be with him - I didn't want to hear him talk. See his annoyed looks. I didn't want to hear his breath or even see him. I wanted to push this kid away. He has been hurting me daily with the countless lies, carelessness and constant blame shifting. I just wanted someone to come take him away for a couple hours.
Instead, I told him to grab his things and come with me. I was going to get out of the house today - but he was coming with me. He was going to see that I am more than an annoyed mom. I am a mom who cares - arguably too much. But, I also have work to do. Blogs to finish. Quotes to catch up on. And while I will always be his mom - he tries to consume my days with him - I am more than that. He needs to see what I do when I take my alone time.
If we are at home, he battles me constantly. He wants every word of his to be heard, he wants me to be frustrated if he's frustrated - and boy is he skilled at this. I can't allow him to treat me this way.
Instead, I brought him with me to eat lunch and work. Show him that he can't win my attention with this horrible behavior. He is missing time playing at home - the silly adventures Baba has with them when I am away. Sure - he will show his anger when we get home about what he didn't realize he missed.But, just for a few more minutes, we will sit here in silence. No rude words. No opportunities to lie. No more annoyed mama. Just a mom sitting here enjoying the quiet - white noise of the restaurant - as I get my things done. He has plenty of apology notes to write and books to read. But, lunch without words may show him that I love him. My harsh words and gentle words have been falling on dead ears too long and sometimes I just need to say less.
So this is me not running away. Choosing love. I don't always like my tone, the way I feel about my kids' behavior or the day to day life of this chaos God brought us into. But, instead of pushing these kids of ours away, I choose to apologize. I choose to bring them closer when they make me crazy. I choose love. Not always well, but I'll keep brushing off and trying again.
Sometimes silence is better than words.
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