Just. So. Confused.
I am so confused. After a wonderful weekend away with a couple of our favorite families and a few great days at home - with very little problems - something switched. The boy who always has amazing behavior at school. One of the smartest and most creative little boys I have ever met. How can everything I know to be true about him constantly flip?!
Mental Illness is real. I am sitting her in shock after my son was readmitted into the psychiatric hospital for the 3rd time this fall. Every other time our son has been admitted, we were with him. It was our call. We were unsure WE could keep him safe. He needed help we couldn't provide.
Today is quite different. Our son has been in a Day Treatment program for the past several months which we have found to be very helpful. They have seen the sides of him he hides so well in some areas of his life. He has had fits. He has talked back. He has raged over random, unwarranted things. He has been struggling since his last hospitalization especially - been moody and annoyed at the world - with no medication changes. It is very confusing and odd. Its not like he's always annoyed - just at random times over random things. Today he just took it too far.
In a way, I am relieved. I am not the only one that has seen the meltdowns. Sometimes in the past, I have questioned if my parenting is the issue. Am I too hard on him? Was I too quick to let it go? Did I follow through the way I said I would? Sometimes it can get overwhelming as a mom of 5 kids - most with their own struggles and diagnoses. I often consider if I am the one to blame. I wonder if there was anything we could do to avoid his meltdowns and dangerous decisions.
But, today I am reminded. I did not cause my son to be so unsafe in Day Treatment today that he had to be admitted into the hospital. It was their call. They couldn't keep him safe. They saw his need for more resources. Finally - instead of looking into the eyes of nurses who I felt were judging me because my son is "just fine here", they are finally seeing that he is not fine. He can't hold it together forever.
But to be honest, the emotion the most real to me right now is sad. I am sad my son didn't come home today. The time he wanders through the day and we do his homework together has come and gone. Now he's alone and probably scared. Until we can be together - here I am. Yes - confused and sad, but also hopeful.
We are seeing so much progress in him. The ability to eventually process things. His heart and compassion for others. Some days it is easy to forget what life was like for him before us. There are even days I don't consider his past at all. So I am all these things, but we have hope.
Mental Illness is real. I am sitting her in shock after my son was readmitted into the psychiatric hospital for the 3rd time this fall. Every other time our son has been admitted, we were with him. It was our call. We were unsure WE could keep him safe. He needed help we couldn't provide.
Today is quite different. Our son has been in a Day Treatment program for the past several months which we have found to be very helpful. They have seen the sides of him he hides so well in some areas of his life. He has had fits. He has talked back. He has raged over random, unwarranted things. He has been struggling since his last hospitalization especially - been moody and annoyed at the world - with no medication changes. It is very confusing and odd. Its not like he's always annoyed - just at random times over random things. Today he just took it too far.
In a way, I am relieved. I am not the only one that has seen the meltdowns. Sometimes in the past, I have questioned if my parenting is the issue. Am I too hard on him? Was I too quick to let it go? Did I follow through the way I said I would? Sometimes it can get overwhelming as a mom of 5 kids - most with their own struggles and diagnoses. I often consider if I am the one to blame. I wonder if there was anything we could do to avoid his meltdowns and dangerous decisions.
But, today I am reminded. I did not cause my son to be so unsafe in Day Treatment today that he had to be admitted into the hospital. It was their call. They couldn't keep him safe. They saw his need for more resources. Finally - instead of looking into the eyes of nurses who I felt were judging me because my son is "just fine here", they are finally seeing that he is not fine. He can't hold it together forever.
But to be honest, the emotion the most real to me right now is sad. I am sad my son didn't come home today. The time he wanders through the day and we do his homework together has come and gone. Now he's alone and probably scared. Until we can be together - here I am. Yes - confused and sad, but also hopeful.
We are seeing so much progress in him. The ability to eventually process things. His heart and compassion for others. Some days it is easy to forget what life was like for him before us. There are even days I don't consider his past at all. So I am all these things, but we have hope.
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