The Confession

I almost completely fell apart slowly over the last two months of lies. After getting kicked out of Day Treatment mid December, our son had been stealing and lying consistently. From nail clippers to bananas. Candy at school to sneaking lip gloss. Just tons of hiding. Never asking. Just taking. So much shame Too much guilt.

I literally thought I was going to lose my mind until I sat across the booth from one of my best friends at Starbucks the other day. She asked me, "I know he is making all of those annoying choices, but why is that making your days rough?" I had lost sight of myself. Once again, I was rolling my identity in my kids' choices.

The worst part wasn't the choices he was making, it was that I felt like I lost my son for too long. I hadn't seen his smile, heard his laugh or been able to cuddle with him on movie night. He was pushing me away. I had glimmers of hope, but SO. MUCH. DISTANCE. I felt like I didn't even want to see him or be around him - I was so focused on his choices, I wanted to push him away.

Thankfully this friend of mine woke me up. She didn't stand aside and let me turn into the bitter, ugly, frustrated human she saw me slowly becoming. She called me out. Quite a risk, but thankfully my heart was open and I heard her. I was able to see her intention. God had slowly been chipping away at my heart as he spoke to me through Ben's encouragement to pick up (for the um-teenth time) the book about how kids' brains are literally wired differently when effected by trauma. (Help for Billy) God was using all kinds of people to soften my heart and mold me.

Our son doesn't want to be controlled by fear and impulses. He wishes he could process his choices as thoughtfully as you and I can. Today as Ben & I were explaining our son to our new Care Coordinator for a new HMO we are starting for his new therapies, we were so relieved at how well we know him. We understand his triggers. It is easy to identify what things set him off - especially in hindsight. But, we often still feel lost at the inability to see him through the messes he creates for himself. We get sick of following through on consequences that have become so thick I can barely keep them straight.

But tonight - after a good week of behavior (and maybe me not constantly emotionally reacting helped a bit) he looked me in the eyes when I was singing to him at bedtime. He calmly told me about another thing he stole. He didn't have to - I probably wouldn't have noticed the two pieces of gum missing from my purse. But he told me. He knew there would be consequences, but he still told the truth.

It may not seem like much to you, but after being lied to so much I just couldn't speak to him anymore, this was all I've wanted. When he confessed the other day to convincing his brother to steal for him in the middle of the night, I thought it was just to protect his brother! But now, instead, I see progress. I didn't have to notice it was missing, see him anxiously unable to sleep or find out from someone else.

He told me. 

I know we have a long way to go, but tonight my son told me the truth. I'll call that a win.